The importance of having discipline

So, I feel like I pinpointed my issue with the constant tiredness. I cannot be a teacher anymore.

Whenever I get home from school, I feel like taking a loooong nap. I can’t do anything mental (and, being me, mental work is basically all my fat ass can do). Seriously, This was today’s schedule:

Wake up at 6:45AM Teach from 8:00 to 12:30 Watch over some kids (NO teaching) until 4PM Got home at 5PM went to bed for 2 hours went jogging took a bath fit to go to bed again

I’m surprised I even got out of bed at 7PM to go jogging. I could’ve said fuck it, but jogging actually makes me feel kinda nice. I’m alone, no retarded question from anyone around me, no stress, my tempo, nothing more.

This is the point I’m trying to draw on. Even if I know enough about English to teach it, I cannot teach children for one simple reason: I don’t get the dopamine I get from a thank you.

All kids at school adore me. Whenever I tell some I won’t teach them because I’m leaving, they express their sadness and dissatisfaction. But that doesn’t help. I need my dopamine from children excelling at what I teach them. This doesn’t happen nearly as much as I would like, because not every kid is great at languages at this age. I know it’s not their fault, it’s partially predisposition and partially the will to learn (some of the kids passively say “fuck this noise”). However, I still feel like shit when I have to give a pupil a failing grade, because I feel like it’s my failure, too.

What I’m driving at is this: If I wish to be a project manager in the future, I need to learn not to bother too much about other people’s work. Also, arbitrary grading seems shit to me. I never liked grading, which is why I have only 2 grades per pupil for the whole semester.

Well, this was a short one, just me vomiting my thoughts on a website. Lucky I have this outlet, I’d probably have no one to tell this without thinking I’m a nuisance. I’m off to bed, which means shit thoughts and depression.

Good night, good readers, and may you feel better than I do now. Next up: Living with the “expected to exceed expectations” mentality.

-m