The hitman's life - my dream job
This blog couldn’t be called “m4iler’s mind” if I didn’t disassemble my thoughts a bit, could it? If you are here to build a profile on what I am like, your buddy m4iler got your back (hello, NSA!)
The crude origins
When I was a kid, I used to play a lot of Hitman games (hence, kind of, the name for this article). It was all fine, it tied together nicely with my self-defense studies and all in all, I didn’t think much of it.
The aspect I liked the most was (probably to a surprise of many of you) not the killing, but the financial and lifestyle aspect of an assassin’s job. I enjoyed the thought of working for a few days/weeks per year and relaxing the rest of the time, financially content. Being a kid, my knowledge of the work sector left much to be desired. I only saw hired killer as a possible line of work if I wanted to live the life. So, I started looking on the darknet (a new thing back then), asking google and other search engines, as well as reading up on the tools of the trade and the current demand. I became fascinated with people such as Richard Kuklinski, what he thought about and I started emulating the cold demeanor. In retrospect, that was cringy as fuck, but I have never learned anything so thoroughly as this.
University: The tipping point
Later in my life, when I was due to pick where my education would take me next, I went for linguistics, specifically translation studies. It seemed the perfect combo: “practical” education, focus on experience, all that jazz. I snapped it up, applied and started studying.
After a year, all seemed incredible. I felt I was in my element: A lot of performance-driven people, no bullshit around theories. I aced my first couple of courses (mostly translation and interpretation). It was great, I was asked to perform, no parroting of other people. In the second year, I actually tasted the feeling of being a wanted, desired asset: A friend of mine called me, on Wednesday, and said he’s leaving for Britain the next Monday and wanted me there. I said yes, it was exciting. More exciting than anything I ever experienced before.
This experience was around the time my practical education gave way to a longer, more drawn-out theoretical bullshit. Parroting Chomsky, stuff like that. I started hating my school. It showed me what a mistake this was. I was not set to be an interpreter, I was gearing up to be a translatologist, a theorist! Not a practicioner of translation studies, I was supposed to spend my life parroting shit I learned to people who would maybe never set foot into translation studies again!
Short-term stress? Not an issue
I have found that not only do I handle short-term stress well, it actually makes me feel good. Call me broken, call me a weirdo, but whenever there was a disaster, I clicked into gear, sent all my thoughts and fears to hell and focused on the task at hand. It was always when I’m bored that I get giddy, I get irritable, I feel unwanted and useless.
I realized I had to get out. I thought back to the lifestyle I wanted and found out that, like a fine batch of rum, aged and matured. Now, I knew that what I wanted wasn’t blood or killing. It was to be the very best (like no one ever was… NO). What I wanted was to be the guy that comes in when everything else is on fire and solves it. That is what I was good at, I always wanted to save the day, be an expert, know everything about a topic so that I could get in, do what I’m good at and get out.
This brought me to a question. What was I good at? What was the magic spark I could work on? Translation was all right, but it was not a lucrative living. I wanted a place where I could rise to the top. A translator is a helper, an outsider, but the competition is so great. Just imagine, any second-generation Mexican kid from Miami can do what I do for a tenth of the price. Similarly, a Canadian from Quebec can do what I do, because they grew up with what I spent years learning. Sure, I could learn a language in a month and be fluent in a year or two, but I already was good at what I did and for what? A good feeling? That wouldn’t feed a family, let alone provide for its needs.
I pivoted my whole life. I started teaching at school (since I had to pay around 800$ a semester for the last two years) and I knew my studies were going nowhere. So, in September of 2018, I moved on to computer studies. This is what I spent the last two years reading in my spare time, that was my procrastination subject! It seemed great.
The poisoner’s ledger & what I want to be
When I was in high school, learning about killing people, I stumbled upon a treatise on poisoning Poison romance and poison mysteries. In it, there was a chapter about a monk, who contacted the Venetian government and offered the following:
On December 15, 1543, John of Raguba, a Franciscan brother, offered the Council a selection of poisons, and declared himself ready to remove any person whom they deemed objectionable out of the way. He calmly stated his terms, which for the first successful case were to be a pension of 1,500 ducats a year, to be increased on the execution of future services.
This method of working intrigued me. I thought that this sort of work never arrived, but back then, I had yet to hear about being “on-call”. Nowadays, I would liken this state to DFIR (Digital Forensics and Incident Response, for those not in the know). It’s the field where you can be the person people call when they’re up shit creek with no paddle. I now, almost 10 years later, know that this is where I want to be. I want to wage war on this new battlefield. This must be where I could be in my element. Time pressure, short bursts of action, a good way to become a true expert at something. Right now, it seems like the optimal job path for me.
Well, you just got a major insight into what I am. Perhaps, you may deduce the way I’d behave if a shitstorm hit, you may think of me as an egotistical piece of shit from now on. I can influence none of those things, unfortunately, but you are welcome to your opinion. Also, if you’re on mastodon, I’d love to hear it!