Expected to excell: How to cope with never being good enough
Well then, this is a topic that needed writing down for a while now. The source of my negativity.
I don’t assume I have always been this way. When I was a kid, it may have been better, I may not have cared about it. Now, I see that my own critique of myself may be a little on the harsh side. Not with the fitness, of course, but I feel that generally, all in all, I have not achieved much that other people couldn’t.
Yes, the old one-two impostor boogaloo. I feel that anything I do, anyone could. And what I can’t do, anyone can do. So there is no escape, nothing original in my being. Now that I put it down like this, I wonder how I haven’t killed myself yet.
I won’t, of course, I’m not insane, but this thought feels horrible, written down.
I have no special knowledge, I could be replaced by anyone.
I know nothing more than anyone else, I am an expert at nothing.
I have zero value to the human race.
These sentences, now that I see them before me, start to terrify me. I feel like I’m trapped by them, and only by dragging my knuckles to the bone, only by pushing myself over the edge of my own endurance, do I have a chance to break free of these mis-truths.
Because that’s ultimately what they are. I have to consciously make the effort to realize this, but that is the whole point. I have worth.
Examples: I know no one in my closest circle of friends IRL who could break into a wireless network. I can speak one language, write in another and think about a third one. I can learn languages just by snapping my fingers, say Italian in a month (provided I don’t have excessive mental strain in the meantime, still kind of easy).
These are things I am good at. I can build something. I am not a waste of space.
Now I’m getting back on track, but it’s still something that bugs me, my impostor syndrome. A great part of this syndrome is that I know that other people have this, but my mind persuades me that they can cope with this much better than I can. I feel like a wuss.
Well, this has been a short musing (~570 words) about my impostor syndrome. Hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit.
P.S.: If you want this post in song form, just listen to “The Jig Is Up” by El-P. It’s incredible, expresses quite nicely what I went through.